A Marriage Between America’s Biggest Ass and Ass Kisser

JD Vance is a Political Liability, But He’s Trump’s Perfect Mini-Me

There is no mystery why Donald Trump picked Ohio Sen. JD Vance for his vice-presidential nominee. Trump is America’s biggest ass and Vance is the nation’s premier ass-kisser. To get the role, Vance sucked up so hard that the National Weather Service almost had to issue a tornado warning.

Wiser political operatives suggested the former president expand his base by choosing a black person, such as Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) or a brown person, such as former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley. But instead, Trump couldn’t resist choosing the brownest nose.

The former president, and erstwhile insurrectionist, even joked about Vance’s obsequiousness at a 2022 rally in Youngstown, Ohio, where Vance desperately groveled for Trump’s support.

“J.D. is kissing my ass. Of course he wants my support,” Trump told the crowd.

To win Trump over, Vance had to have an extremist makeover, engaging in the most radical transition in the Republican Party since Caitlin Jenner.

According to CNN, in 2016 Vance despised Trump and considered him a “moral disaster” and “reprehensible.”

In 2016 and 2017, Vance, then best-known for penning the best-selling book “Hillbilly Elegy” said Trump was “cultural heroin” and “just another opioid” for Middle America. He told CNN ahead of the 2016 election that he was “definitely not” voting for Trump and he also contemplated voting for Hillary Clinton (he ultimately said he planned to vote for independent candidate Evan McMullin.)

“Fellow Christians, everyone is watching us when we apologize for this man. Lord help us,” he tweeted after the “Access Hollywood” tape was published in 2016.

Vance also liked tweets that said Trump committed “serial sexual assault,” called him “one of USA’s most hated, villainous, douchey celebs.”  

If that weren’t damning enough, Vance wrote to a friend on Facebook:

"I go back and forth between thinking Trump is a cynical asshole like Nixon who wouldn't be that bad (and might even prove useful) or that he's America's Hitler."

Today, Vance conveniently says that he changed his views, but his narrative isn’t believable. In what universe does Trump seem less Hitler-like in 2024 than he did in 2016?

Since his first run for president, Trump praised white supremacists parading with tiki torches in Charlottesville as some “very fine people”, dined with neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes at Mar-a-Lago and staged a violent coup attempt on January 6, that included thugs with T-Shirts that read Camp Auschwitz.

Clearly, the Hitler quotient has dramatically increased since 2016 —not declined. Given his past comparison of Trump to the Fuhrer, it was rich to see Vance’s cynicism when he wrote on social media: “The central premise of the Biden campaign is that President Donald Trump is an authoritarian fascist who must be stopped at all costs. That rhetoric led directly to President Trump’s attempted assassination.”

What won’t JD say or do to advance? It seems the Ohio Senator won’t let a little fascism get in the way of his smoldering ambition. The scrapping of his entire belief system, reorienting of his moral compass and feral ambition to get ahead is breathtaking.

He’s like a perverted version of that old Meatloaf Song, “I will do anything for Trump’s love—yeah, even that. Especially that, sir.” We are talking about a lackey so lustful for power that he began dressing like Trump at the ex-president’s New York Trial, with the dumpy, oversized suit and the long clown tie.

There are no bounds or limits for this opportunistic human weathervane. He will do anything to impress his employer—whether it’s the underboss Donald Trump or his real boss, Vladimir Putin .

Vance’s isolationist stance on Ukraine is full capitulation to Russian tyranny and outright appeasement to the Russian dictator. The author’s allegiance to Putin is so intense that it’s difficult to know if Vance is reading Russian talking points or actually writing them for the Kremlin.

On Steve Bannon’s nutty podcast, The New Reich, or whatever it’s called, Vance said, “I think it’s ridiculous that we’re focused on this border in Ukraine. I’ve got to be honest with you, I don’t really care what happens to Ukraine one way or the other.”

His position is a national security threat that would wreck NATO, destroy Ukraine’s democracy and allow a bloodthirsty dictator to menace Europe. If Vance gets his way it will most likely lead to World War III, as Putin would be encouraged to expand his revanchist dream of reassembling the lands that were once controlled by the Soviet Union. Vance is the type of parochial, small-minded isolationist that nearly destroyed the free world in the 1930s.

What matters to Vance is not the safety of Americans or the freedom of Europeans. He has an audience of one—and Trump is Putin’s puppet, so he must contort himself to fit inside Putin’s pocket.

The genius of Vance is that he realized Trump was not looking to select a normal person for VP. This was a search for a mirror practiced in the art of flirting and flattering, while serving as the ultimate yes man. Trump felt burned when his former VP, Mike Pence, revealed his spine and refused to cheat to undermine the 2020 election. So, this time Trump isn’t taking any chances and demanded an understudy who is supine and will obediently take orders.

In catering to Trump’s dangerous strongman fantasies, Vance puts our democracy at risk. “I think the election was stolen from Trump,” Mr. Vance said during the Republican primary for his Ohio seat. Vance also kowtowed to Trump by downplaying domestic terrorism on January 6.

“I think politics and politics people like to really exaggerate things from time to time,” Vance said on CNN. “Look, Jan. 6 was a bad day. It was a riot. But the idea that Donald Trump endangered anyone’s lives when he told them to protest peacefully, it’s just absurd.”

Five people died because Donald Trump incited an insurrection, 174 police officers were injured, and the peaceful transfer was interrupted for the first time since the Civil War. If this unpatriotic monstrosity can flippantly be reduced to a “bad day”, then can the assassination attempt on Trump, which caused far less injury and death, be chalked up to an unpleasant afternoon?

Of course not, but if we apply the sick, twisted logic of Vance, then the answer is unequivocally yes.

Vance said that if he were in Mike Pence’s shoes on January 6, he would have done the opposite. This doesn’t bode well for the future and could lead to mass political violence in the streets or even civil war. JD Vance claims to stand for America First, but consistently puts his all-consuming personal ambition before the good of the country.    

The last few weeks have been awful for Democrats, but they were fortunate that Trump put his ego above making a sound pick that could have helped his campaign. Republicans’ weakest issue is abortion and Vance is a zealot with seemingly no regard for women. He even looks a bit like the rigid fundamentalist, Commander Fred Waterford, in the “Handmaid’s Tale”.  

Vance believes abused women should stay in their marriages for the good of the children. He believes that abortion should be illegal, even in cases of incest or rape. He strongly supports the U.S. Supreme Court decision overturning Roe v. Wade. To appease Trump, Vance reluctantly agreed to oppose a national abortion ban. However, it would be unwise to believe an oleaginous, two-faced phony whose political positions are more plastic than Gumby. JD Vance has demonstrated that he will morph, mold or mutate into what the moment calls for to elevate his political position or power.

Vance was a disastrous pick for Republicans because the attack ads write themselves. In the remaining 16 weeks of the campaign, the words of JD skewering Trump will be haunting reminders of what Republicans really thought of Trump, before they sold their souls.

Trump won’t care about the political ramifications because he got precisely what he wanted. He created a VP sweepstakes reality show, with the winner the one who could best debase himself at Trump’s feet. (Although, Trump might be having second thoughts after seeing Tim Scott’s histrionic, sycophantic speech last night at the GOP convention)   

At his sulfuric core, Trump is a sadist and Vance proved to be a uniquely talented masochist. This was a drag show of dominance and submission so obscene that Gov. Ron DeSantis might try to ban it in Florida. But the former President doesn’t think like a normal politician. All Dr. Evil knows is that he found his perfect Mini-Me, so now he can embark upon his violent and vindictive quest for world domination.